Voices Return

Although I have been told that the "voices" never really go away, I couldn't believe that because the past 2 years after Dillon was on the medications I had no problems with him having "voices" in his head... until now.

Let me give you some insight on our lives the past 2 years. We've been following a strict and structured schedule to make sure everything got done. I mean we literally lived off of the hour.. eventually it was a habit and we didn't need our charts anymore to refer to.

He was very happy, and rarely had any issues with things such as rampages, hitting me, hurting himself. It was completely nice.

The nights he'd go and visit my parent's were my "free nights". Sometimes I would just stay in and cuddle up on my couch watching movies, or just sleeping. Other nights I would go out and sing karaoke with my friends. It was ME time. As well as it was HIM times. At my parents he didn't have a schedule to swirl over his brain,. he did boy stuff with Grandpa, and played video games with Grandma. Something we both needed each week, and it helps, believe me it helps! I'm sure people wonder how one night a week can make a difference, but I guess you have to live this life to understand how important it is to not be secluded together 24/7. After a night of our own time away from each other we felt refreshed, happy, and alive. Plus we weren't so bored! That's always a good thing.

School was looking up in these 2 years. He started making honor roll, he was doing his homework. It was a new boy all over. He was WONDERFUL!

Here we are almost 2 years later and something went terribly wrong. Dillon will be turning 11 years old on the 15th, and just 2 days after that on the 17th will be the 2 year anniversary of when he was placed into a hospital for 3 months of his and my life.

Here is insight on what I am going through daily with him now that his "voices" are back.

*Emotional- He will sit and just cry, and cry, and cry some more.
*Anger- He can't seem to control his anger again- which means he punches anything in his way. He use to punch me, but after experiencing it all, I know not to be in his path of destruction.
* Screaming- I truly dislike this one, because I do happen to get headaches easily. He will scream a scream that you on the outside would think that I am murdering my son. It's horrific, and I often sit down asking him to stop, wondering when the cops will be knocking on my door arresting me for hurting him, even though I don't touch him. I mean it's THAT bad.
*Hurtful Words- He tends to blurt out the most heart wrenching things to me. He'll swear at me, call me names, tell me to shut up, tell me i just don't love him, or he doesn't love me.
*VOICES- This is the one that truly breaks my heart. Just last night he was finally calming down and then started to scream and cry "Shut Up, PLEASE". I ask him who he's speaking to and he looks me dead in the eye and says "these voices won't stop Mommy, please help me make them stop" All I could manage to muster up after fighting my tears was " I don't know how". :(

If you want to have your heart broken, have this child with schizophrenia, and feel as helpless as I do. It's not a fun game for me. I get pissed off, I get emotional, I sometimes feel like I am going to lose my own mind. I sometimes feel like giving up, but those moments when I snap back to reality, and realize that this beautiful child is mine, and this unique part of him is something that God trusted me with, THAT is what keeps me going. I know how WONDERFUL this little boy really is, aside from this mental health crap, he's MY little man, and he's still in there.

The good news is that he's not having the hallucinations again. That was scary. If you do your proper research on Schizophrenics you'd see that it gets much worse then. You see when they see things they are scared and THAT is usually where someone can end up hurt badly or even dead in some cases. They don't realize it's YOU, someone they can trust and can go crazy in a second, obviously resulting in not so good things. It's kind of the same thing with the voices. I mean there are many types of voices these unique people get. Dillon's 2 years ago were something alright. He had one which he called the "bad" voice he's told his doctors that one kept telling him to hurt me, or kill me eventually. The other was the "good" one which he claimed made him laugh. It's important to know these things. There are so many people who FEAR this mental health disorder because they are uneducated. I was one of them honestly until Dillon was diagnosed and you bet your ass I've done more research on this than anything I have ever researched in my 30 years!

I will maintain this blog, and start spreading awareness again. I've had a successful blog 2 years ago on this, but deleted it due to personal issues of not wanting to face it anymore. It's time I face MY fears, and just go with the flow.

All I can say is I have traveled this heart wrenching road before 2 years ago, and it's just that time again. I will walk this road with a stride, and I will walk it with God by my side. We will over come this yet once again!